Despair
by JennyWren
Summary: This story is dark and rather depressing. So don´t tell me I hadn´t warned you.


Despair

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the characters of this story. They belong to Gaston Leroux/Andrew Lloyd Webber.

**Note: **The story is based on events from the musical. It starts immediately after "Twisted every way". Raoul developed his plan to stop Erik, but Christine, torn between conflicting emotions, fled from the room.

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**Chapter one:**

It took Raoul only minutes to find me sitting on a bench outside the opera. "Christine, why did you run away?", he asked. "There is no need to be frightened. At the first night of ´Don Juan´ we´ll catch this monster, and I´ll make him pay for what he did to you, I promise." He sounded very determined as he stood in front of me, bouncing on the balls of his feet, as if to indicate that he could go and track down Erik single-handed the next moment. His boy-like eagerness was a trait of his personality which I had thought charming once, but this situation was too serious.

Slowly I lifted my head, taking in every detail of Raoul, from the perfectly-fitting trousers to the snow-white shirt. Reluctantly my eyes wandered further upwards and met his gaze. He looked extremely pleased with himself because it had been him who had come up with a solution to the problem named ´Phantom of the Opera. Only I was the wrong person to be asked for praise.

"It´s good that you thought about what to do with … him.", I started uneasily. Using Erik´s name would make a sensible conversation even harder. "I appreciate that you care for me, but … but I don´t like this whole idea!" A brief look at his face told me more than all words. My disapproval of his plan had taken him entirely by surprise. He opened his mouth, then closed it again.

His face was screwed up in concentration for a few seconds – apparently he was pondering about what to answer. Then a self-assured smile lit up his features and he spoke in a mild voice: "You don´t really mean that. You´re just scared of the task that lies ahead of you. But it´ll be alright. I´ll protect you from this thing.". Without waiting for a reaction he pulled me up from the bench and embraced me. My heart was thumping wildly as his lips met mine. In moments like this I was sure that I loved him.

"I only want what´s best for you, Christine. Do you agree with my plan?", he muttered into my hair. His breath tickled the skin on my neck, and I giggled softly. Once more Raoul had managed to make me forget my doubts. "Yes, I agree.", I whispered as if to tell him a big secret. "Oh, that´s wonderful!", he said happily, wrapping his arms around my waist and spinning me around. "It´ll all be over soon, and then we can marry. Let´s go inside and tell the others, shall we?" "Of course", I said, smiling. Suddenly the situation seemed to be much brighter.

**Chapter two:**

The blissful mood Raoul had put me into remained till the evening. The managers had been delighted about the prospect of finally getting rid of the Opera Ghost, and even Carlotta and M.Piangi had shown their approval. Only Mme.Giry had not joined in the merry chatting, but since she had already uttered her worries earlier no one had really paid attention to her.

After dinner I had gone up into my room, which had been redecorated for my purposes when I had moved in with my fiancé. Up to that time guests had lived here, but as there was plenty of space for them in the huge house Raoul had decided to give this room to me, partly because it was right next to his study. Even today, after several months of being here, I could hardly believe that everything, from the highly polished furniture to the long silk curtains, should really belong to me.

For a while I had tried to read, sitting at the elegant desk facing the window. But I had to realise that I couldn´t concentrate on the imaginary problems of imaginary people now. I had enough problems of my own, and no matter how hard I pushed them away them kept coming back. I couldn´t do it. I couldn´t act as bait and watch Erik being caught. He had been my teacher, the one man who had shown me respect and affection long before Raoul had re-entered my life. I didn´t love him, at least not in the same way I loved my fiancé, but still I didn´t want him to be harmed.

On the other hand I knew I couldn´t have both men, a friend and a lover. Erik would never tolerate another man at my side, and honestly Raoul´s attitude was just the same. By agreeing to the plan I had made my decision and confirmed my position as Raoul´s partner. Surely having a future husband was better than having a friend, wasn´t it?

A hand on my shoulder interrupted my thoughts. Without as much as turning around I said: "Hello darling. What are you doing here?". Usually I didn´t meet Raoul until the breakfast, so I was quite surprised to find him in my room that late in the evening. He leant forward to kiss my cheek, his dressing gown lightly touching my shoulder. "I noticed the light and wanted to find out why you weren´t in bed yet.", he said gently. For a second I wondered how he could have seen that through the closed door and whether he had had another intention of coming here, but all the same I was glad that someone had stopped my brooding.

"I wanted to go to bed now anyway. See?" I pointed at the dressing gown that was covering the night dress I was already wearing. "Oh yes, I see it.", he replied, his gaze lingering on my body longer than necessary. All of a sudden I felt uneasy in his presence, and I was relieved as he suggested: "Why don´t you lie down now? I´ll kiss you good night and go to bed as well.".

Quickly I walked to my bed, realising that I could not simply take off my dressing gown for the night dress was very revealing. "Could you … turn around please?", I asked, and he complied reluctantly. Within seconds I lay in bed, covered by the blanket. "Can I have a look at you now?", he wanted to know with a slight touch of irritation. He didn´t wait for my answer and settled himself next to me. "I love you, Christine." His voice was soft again, and I felt better, Maybe I had only imagined things earlier.

He lowered his head to kiss me. I enjoyed the usual tingling in my stomach when he pressed his lips against mine. But something was different this time. Suddenly he forced his tongue into my mouth, while his hands wandered under the blanket. Startled I pulled myself away from him. "Raoul, please don´t do that.", I said in a small voice. "I told you I didn´t want this, not yet." "But I can´t bear it any longer!", he called. "Do you think it´s easy for me, sitting in my study over some boring business paper, knowing you´re next door in your bed and I can´t go to you?"

With one movement he pulled the blanket away and seized my wrists. "No, Raoul, please!", I pleaded, struggling in vain to free me. " ´No, Raoul, please!´ ´No, Raoul, let´s wait!´", he mocked my voice. "I´ve heard enough of this. You keep talking about how much you love me and how grateful you are. Now it´s time you show me your gratitude!" He held both of my arms over my head with one hand, while the other hastily opened his dressing gown. My eyes widened in shock as I saw that he didn´t wear anything underneath it.

"I didn´t want it to be like this.", he said, his breath becoming quicker and quicker. "You could have enjoyed it as well. But now it´s too late!" Pinning me to the mattress with his weight he tore my night dress apart, destroying my last piece of security. Tears trickled down my face as I made another attempt: "I´ll scream, I swear it!" My voice was shaking terribly. His only reaction was a merciless laugh. "And who should hear you? The servants are in their rooms, too far away from this one. Besides, who _cares_ about you screaming?" With visible pleasure he spread my legs apart. "Go on, scream! It´ll just be more fun for me!"

"Erik!", I gasped, almost beyond myself with fear. "What?" For a moment he seemed to have lost his determination, but he didn´t loosen the grip on my body. "He can´t see you now, can he?" There was only a tiny trace of fear in his voice, but it was enough to give me new hope. "Of course he can.", I lied. "And you know as well as I do that he´ll kill you for this!" My heart racing I waited for his reply. Would he believe me?

"In this case I´ll have to get rid of him first.", he finally decided, sitting up. "And you´ll be so kind as to assist me in dealing with the problem, won´t you?" Perfectly calm again he covered my trembling body with the blanket, as if it had merely slipped down a little. "Your time will come, Christine.", he announced on the way out of the room. "But it´s his turn first!" Then he was gone, locking the door behind him.

I wrapped the blanket around me as tightly as possible, feeling colder than ever before in my life. It was only now that I started sobbing. But there was nobody to comfort me. I was all alone.

**Chapter three:**

When the key was turned in the lock the next morning I had barely slept an hour. Instead I had spent most of the time listening anxiously whether Raoul would return. Now he was back. "Good morning, love! Ready for a long day of rehearsing?" How on earth could he be so cheerful? He even tried to embrace me, but I took a fast step backwards. The mere sight of him made me feel sick.

"Oh, come on, Christine! Don´t act as if I was your worst enemy!", he said, taking my hand before I could hide it behind my back. His touch caused my stomach to contract with terror. "Look: I could tell you I was sorry for last night. But fact is that I don´t regret it. Everything is only his fault. If he wasn´t always in your thoughts, you wouldn´t behave like this." How convenient it was that he could blame Erik for everything! "Anyway, we won´t have this problem much longer.", he said casually. "In just a few weeks´ time we´ll track him down, and then nothing will stand between us."

Noticing that I was trembling he went on: "There´s no need to be afraid of me. You´ll see, when you´re less prudish next time, it´ll be better for both of us. Oh, and one more thing…" He gripped my hand so tightly that I gasped. "If you tell anyone what has happened between us, you´ll never leave this room again. I still need you for my plan, but when I hear that you´re abusing the freedom I give you…" Without showing the slightest reaction I let him drag me out of the house and into his coach. I had a plan of my own.

We arrived at the opera just in time. Mme.Giry stood in the entrance hall, waiting for me. "Hurry up, Christine! The rehearsal will start in five minutes.", she called, tapping her foot impatiently. Then she spotted Raoul. "Monsieur le Vicomte! Can I help you ?" "After the discussions of the last day I thought it best if I accompanied Mlle.Daaé everywhere until I can be sure of her safety again.", he lied smoothly, patting my arm in a way that would have been affectionate for most people. I, however, hadn´t failed to notice the special stress he had put on _everywhere_ and regarded it more as a threat.

Realising that it was now or never I said brightly: "Good morning, Mme.Giry! How nice to meet you!" and pulled the astonished woman into a hug. Hastily I pulled a crumpled piece of paper out of my pocket and stuffed it into her hand. "Give this to Erik! Please!", I whispered urgently, and she nodded. Relieved I let her go. She cleared her throat and said: "The rehearsal is about to begin. Please change quickly!". "What are we waiting for, then?", Raoul asked, taking my arm and leading me to my dressing room.

Meeting Mme.Giry had been my last hope. Nobody else could deliver the letter I had written sometime last night when I had been able to understand the extend of my situation. _Dear Erik! Raoul will set a trap for you at the first night of ´Don Juan Triumphant´. He´ll have armed men at every entrance, so that you can´t escape. Till then he´s holding me prisoner. Please help me! But don´t do anything until that night! The whole excitement will distract him, and maybe I´ll be able to flee with your support. Christine_

**Chapter four:**

The next weeks were filled with rehearsals from morning to evening. Raoul hardly let me use the bathroom alone. I longed to talk to someone but couldn´t risk it for I had no doubt that the prospect of being locked away entirely wasn´t too far-fetched. He already did it every day as soon as we came from the opera, only letting me out in the morning.

This behaviour, however, also had a positive aspect: After the first couple of nights I had developed a strange sense of security for Raoul never came into my room. Moreover, he almost never touched me at home. But at the opera he was completely different. Knowing well that I had to pretend I liked it in the presence of others he enjoyed embracing and kissing me passionately. My initial resistance even seemed to add to his pleasure. But sometime I had given up. A part of me had grown colder and colder every day, and by now I hardly cared what he did to my body. I feared that without Erik´s help all my feelings would die eventually.

The day of the first night arrived, and I was surprised to notice that I was actually excited. Tonight it would end, one way or another. For once Raoul seemed to share my emotion. "Just a few hours, then I shall get the reward for my patience – twice!", he reminded me pleasantly on the way to my dressing room. "I´ll leave you now to take my seat. But don´t even think about running away! All the guards at the doors are instructed not to let you out."

For the first time within weeks I was alone in the room. Or wasn´t I? "Erik? Erik, are you here?", I called. "I´m with you, my angel." I had never been so glad to hear his voice. It nearly made me cry, the first sign of emotion I had shown for a long time. "Listen to me, Christine. I have a plan, but you have to hold on till you are on stage. In the disguise scene with Passarino it´ll be me who comes back, not M.Piangi. Then we´ll be able to flee together. Have you understood that?" He sounded worried, and I asked myself how many of the things between Raoul and me he had witnessed. "Yes, of course!", I answered. "Then put on your costume now and go, or it´ll look suspicious." I obeyed without reply for I was lost for words.

Ten minutes later the opera had begun. The audience was enthusiastic, and especially my arias got a lot of applause. All I could see, however, was Raoul sitting in his box and waiting eagerly for a sign of his rival. Finally we reached the scene Erik had mentioned. My hope grew with every note we sung for nobody seemed to realise that my partner wasn´t M.Piangi. "How long do you want this to go on?", I whispered during an instrumental part. "Just a second!", he answered. Like stated in the stage directions he wrapped his arms around my shoulders, covering me with his cloak. When he pulled it away the stage had vanished.

"Where are we?", I asked, peering around in the darkness. "We went through a trap door in the floor.", he explained. Now that I heard his voice coming from the left I could also vaguely see his tall outline. "We are already several floors beneath the ground. My house is not too far." He seized my hand and led me through the passages. At last we stood in front of his home. I hardly dared believe it.

"Raoul will come after us, won´t he?", I said timidly. "I´m sure he will.", Erik gave back, opening the door and entering after me. "Mme.Giry is probably just showing him the way." "Then we´ll…", I began but was interrupted by a look at his face. Why was he smiling? "Christine, think about it!", he said softly. "Mme.Giry has never been on his side. Why should she be now? This whole evening was carefully planned by me. Her job was to make sure the Vicomte got so deep into the labyrinth of the opera´s corridors that it´ll take him hours to find his way out. And by this time you´ll be already gone." "Gone?", I repeated blankly.

**Chapter five:**

"These are filled with clothes and everything you´ll need." He pointed at two large brown suitcases standing right next to me in the hall. "A coach will bring you far away from Paris, and you´ll be able to start a new life." "But I don´t want to leave you.", I protested, taking a step closer to him. Erik sighed. "I´ve thought about it a hundred times, and this is the only solution which will make you happy. I love you too much to imprison you like he did." He took my hand and kissed it. "Farewell, Christine! And don´t forget your Angel of Music!"

My mind was racing, frantically trying to find something that would keep Erik from sending me away. He was my best friend, my only friend. Had I gone through all this only to lose the one person I cared about, the one person which could still evoke some kind of positive feeling in me? I was frightened of the world and of people who could turn out to be like Raoul. One way remained, and I was desperate enough to choose it: "Erik, I love you.". In my whole life I had never said something that cruel.

"You … do?" I watched the expression on his face turn from incredulity over astonishment to glee. His lower lip began to tremble, and the next moment he lay in my arms, sobbing uncontrollably. Awkwardly I stroked his head, feeling like a monster. What had led me into telling such vicious lies? "I´m … sorry.", he whispered, trying to pull himself together. "But … you don´t know how much this means to me!" That was true. I only wished it could mean the same to me.

"It has been a long day.", I said. "Would it be alright if I went to bed?" I wasn´t really tired, but somehow I couldn´t bear this situation any longer. "Of course, my angel. Whatever you want!" After wiping his eyes with his sleeve he led me to my old room. Entering I saw that everything seemed to be exactly as I had left it. "Good night, Christine! I love you.", he whispered and tried to kiss me. Instinctively I turned away from him. "I´m sorry. I didn´t mean to press you." His voice was so full of disappointment that I didn´t dare look at him as he made to leave the room.

´And you really think he´ll believe you love him when you keep acting like this?´, a voice in my head asked me cynically. It sounded horribly like Raoul. ´If you´re that grateful, you´ll have to show him. Otherwise it won´t take him long to discover the truth. Then he´ll throw you out of his life, and you´ll be all alone.´ Fear streamed through my body as I thought about it. Whatever I had to do to support my lies it couldn´t be worse than the things Raoul would have done to me.

"Why don´t you … stay with me?" I tried a seductive smile while starting to open the buttons of my dress. "You mean, you and I …?" He gulped. "We don´t have to do that, Christine." "But I want to. I want you to be my first.", I whispered, leading his hands to finish the job of opening the dress. I hoped this would distract him from the fact that my voice didn´t sound very convincing. ´You have to do it. Who knows – maybe you´ll like it as well.´, I told myself.

I directed Erik to my bed, slipping out of the rest of my clothes on the way. Seeing him looking at me made me feel cold. Half-heartedly I helped him out of his clothes. Slowly and carefully he explored my body – apparently he really wanted me to enjoy this. I had to smile about the effort he was making, but it remained fruitless. I didn´t feel anything. The weeks of constant humiliation by Raoul had left me numb and cold. It had started as a defence mechanism, but now it couldn´t be turned off anymore.

Even as he finally thrust himself into me all I noticed was a short pain, then I had reached the state of numbness once more and could only wait till he was finished. Fortunately it didn´t take too long, and he rolled off me, panting. "Thank you, thank you so much!", he muttered, kissing me softly. The gratitude in his voice bored its way into my soul like a dagger. The next moment he had fallen asleep, a happy smile still visible on his face. For a long time I lay next to him, wide awake. Perhaps I would learn to love him. Perhaps I could even regain the part of my emotions which had been ripped out of my heart. One day.


End file.
